Grocery Store Sommelier: Why You Should Stop Buying Lousy Cabernet

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Some of you may have the time and cash to buy a case of wine from your favorite vineyard. But let’s be real here. Most of us end up racing to the grocery store at the last minute to buy an emergency “treat” and coffee creamer. You’re staring at the long aisle of bottles, thinking about your limited budget and sudden need to pee. “Do I want red or white, rosé? What did I have last time? Oh crap, it’s not on sale today. What the hell is Tannat? How far am I from the toilet?”

Here’s why you should skip the overpriced “Mom-Juice” wineries and try something completely different:

1. Grape varietals that your typical American is unfamiliar with are cheaper and better quality. Why? Because wine is about marketing. If a company knows that Americans like big, fat cabernets, why wouldn’t they make lots of big, fat cabs that cost more than $25 each? Supply and demand. That’s why you should take advantage of all of the nuanced, delicate wines that are on sale for $14.99 because Janet, Karen and Susan think they’re “flat.” (No, they’re not flat, Karen. Your taste buds are fried from too many cream cheese stuffed jalepeños and Marlboro Lights.)
2. Buy wine that’s not from California. No offense, Cali. But your wines are overpriced. The Willamette Valley is a close second. Unless you’re spending $50 a bottle, most of these wineries have at least 20 years of marketing behind them to raise the perceived value of their trash juice to $18 a bottle. No thanks. But I’ll gladly spend $18 on a Chilean Cabernet or a bottle of Nero D’avola from Italy. I always try to buy something I haven’t tried yet. If you hit the same grocery store week after week, you’ll eventually run out of options. But on the plus side, if you start buying more imported wine, your local grocer might start bringing more variety to the store.
3. Be willing to admit defeat if you choose a bad one. This goes for anything in life. Don’t go struttin’ around thinking you’re hot stuff because you brought a cheap Malbec to the party. If it sucks, shrug it off and admit it. Make a pot roast with what’s left or save it for 2am on Saturday when your taste buds are shriveled up and you’re lonely.
4. Seek out lackluster labels. Labels that are matter of fact and almost boring are usually great little wines. They’re undiscovered and don’t have the marketing budget to hire fancy copywriters to find their “niche” wine buyer. Simple, cheap, under $20 “table wine” from Spain, Italy, Portugal, Chile, France, or Germany is usually better than that nasty bottle of Bogle you’ve been taking to your friend’s birthday party. The bigger, louder or excessively elegant a label, the more mediocre it’s likely to be. They’re trying to convince you that the wine is something it’s not. And think about it. Do you really want to buy wine from giant mega wine companies that buy up family owned vineyards so they can make more crap like Bogle?